Dear Second Birth Community,

We celebrate your passage into your second life and welcome you into the sacred journey of deepening into the totality of who you are. The second birth marks the beginning of a whole new life and an extraordinary core healing that awaits your discovery.

The shift from perceiving yourself as a merely separate individual to realizing yourself as a non-separate embodiment of Being is immense. The consequences of this shift are deep and far-reaching, and are often confusing when experienced without the help of others who can look back at it with years of perspective.

Saniel and the Waking Down teachers have long agreed that second life orientation courses and appropriate support systems are crucial factors in reducing unnecessary pain and confusion, and in promoting whole-Being ease and wellness at this stage in your process.

Our purpose is to help you complete the healing of ancient wounds and conditioning, navigate the challenges of love, mutuality, and relationship, claim your uniqueness, and express your natural gifts and genius in the world.

To help you more deeply understand and orient to your new condition, we invite you join us for a very special Welcome To Your Second Life course (WTYSL), to be held March 4, 5, 6, 7 in Marin County, CA, just north of San Francisco. Click Here to Register

This course is a tribal gathering, celebration, and sharing that inspires and nourishes all who attend. It is a deep and powerful group exploration of the many joys and challenges that all practitioners face at this stage in the journey. Engaging this exploration together is often a life-changing event  sometimes even more so than the second birth transition itself.

Here are a few of the many topics we will be covering on the course:

The Wakedown Shakedown – the Transfiguration passage:

• What is it really about?
• What’s heal-able and what’s just who you are?
• How is the shakedown different for different people?
• How can you work with extreme feelings and experiences that arise?

Waking, Down, and Mutuality …

• What role does Waking play after the second birth?
• Is there a “bottom” to all the down exploration?
• Why the embodiment process is such a powerful need
• What is mutuality and how does it evolve after the second birth?

Your Deepening Unfoldment …

• Your own Divinely human emergence
• The joys and challenges of individuating
• The fulfillment of your unique purpose
• Discovering trust in self, trust in others, and trust in Being

This will be the twelfth WTYSL course we have presented. Many of those who have attended have gone on to train as Mentors, and many have become Teachers. While WTYSL is a prerequisite for Mentor Training, we want to make it clear that this course is not intended only for those who wish to become Mentors. This course is for everyone who has transitioned into the second life and wants to benefit from the immense cultural wisdom that has been collected about it.

As usual, there will be a high ratio of teachers to participants. The course will be taught by senior teachers. Morning large group meetings will focus on topics mentioned above (along with others that are important to you); afternoon small groups are designed to assist you in your most cutting-edge personal exploration. We’ll encourage the small groups that form during this course to continue meeting by telephone for a few months after the event for the sake of deepening support and mutuality.

COST

The cost for this event is $575 if paid by December 5, and $625 if paid after that date.

If you have already taken the course, you may repeat it for $400 if paid by December 5. Each course has a different flavor, depending on the teachers and the group that gathers, so we encourage you to take this course many times, if you are so drawn.

LOGISTICS

Your Second Birth must be confirmed to attend this event. If you are needing confirmation, please contact Linda, Sandra, or Van for a Second Birth interview. For contact info: email wakingdown@earthlink.net or call 888-741-5000.

The course will begin Friday, March 4 at 6:30pm, 10 AM – 5:30 PM on Saturday and Sunday, and 9 – 11:30am on Monday
Click here to Register. If you have any questions, please contact me at: Registrar@awakenedmutuality.org or 415-234-6701.

LODGING AVAILABILITY

We have rented a beautiful home for the retreat. There are rooms available for those coming from out of town. If you have an interest in staying in the house, please let me know. Rooms will be rented on a first come, first served basis. Click Here to Register.

CANCELLATION POLICY

If you cancel by January 1, $100 of your payment will be forfeited and the balance will be refunded. If you cancel between January 1 and January 29, $200 of your payment will be forfeited and the balance will be refunded to you.

If you cancel after February 18, $300 of your payment will be forfeited and the balance can be applied toward future IAM courses or events (there will be no refund).

The Teachers welcome you and encourage you to join us at this auspicious gathering. We look forward to sharing in the exploration of your new life!
Hope to see you there!

Warmly,

Hillary Davis
for The Institute of Awakened Mutuality

Please send your responses to Registrar@awakenedmutuality.org

Testimonials from those who have taken the Welcome to Your Second Life Course:

Walking into a room full of people in their second lives brought me an incredible feeling of warmth, aliveness, and room-to-be-me! It was like we had all moved to a new universe, with a brand new perspective, but we didn’t know there were others there with us, and we finally found each other! Being held by such loving, skillful teachers brought forth more gifts, more freedom to soar, and the awakened community welcomed me home, into my own Self, my own body. — Lena O’Neill

WTYSL was just what I needed. It embraced me in the full range and expression of my new life and was a balm of “OK-ness” that I needed to reassure me that I was on track.
— Cielle Miller

I’m amazed at what I’m glimpsing of mutuality. It is multi-dimensional and alive! WTYSL was one of the most powerful times of my life. I came back home a different person.
— Susan Albers

For me, WTYSL and DSL were more profound than my second birth!
— Dave Albers

WTYSL and DSL were both a level above my usual wonderful experiences at Transfiguration Retreats. Being with only second life people is an honor and deeply catalytic. Everything moves faster. I cannot recommend it highly enough. I learned much more clearly what Mutuality really means and the strategies I have used in my life to avoid this level of intimacy and vulnerability.
— Gautama Katzman

WTYSL was transformative in every way. I had no expectations, but I got more than I could have imagined. Highly recommended!!!
– Ken Dvoren

Please send your responses to Registrar@awakenedmutuality.org

2012 Retreat Information

Our 2012 Transfiguration Retreat will be hosted at Earthrise at IONS, one of the most beautiful and inspiring conference centers in the world. Located in Petaluma California, EarthRise is housed on 194 acres of beautiful rolling hills where hiking trails meander through pristine native live oak woodlands, and the surrounding open space offers panoramic vistas of the California landscape. Special features include a beautiful permaculture garden that provides fruits and vegetables for the kitchen, a labyrinth, a meditation hut nestled in a peaceful oak grove, a huge outdoor hot tub, and multiple sitting areas and lovely gardens for quiet contemplation.

link to 2012 TR Retreat registration page

General Information

Our annual 8 day Transfiguration Retreat is held in May each year.

These retreats are extraordinary gatherings of the community of Waking Down in Mutuality practitioners, mentors, and teachers. Our group will become a sacred container for the precious work that unfolds through our collective presence.

Our focus on Individuality and Mutuality will bring us into a deep consideration of how we tend to feel we don’t belong if we’re different. Celebrating our differences is so much a part of Waking Down in Mutuality but it can take some time and exploration to find the feeling of safety and belongingness, especially relative to spiritual groups. Our aim is to make a lot of space for us all to be who we are and come together in whatever ways are natural.

In the early mornings after breakfast, you can choose from special optional sessions, such as silent meditation, dancing your prayers, shamanic work, and explorations in conscious embodiment.

Mid-morning, we’ll divide into several larger sittings for gazing meditation and conversation about your process. After lunch, small group meetings will be held. In each of these groups, one or two teachers, joined by a mentor assistant, will facilitate 5 or 6 students in deeper individual work and mutuality in an intimate, highly personalized setting. The afternoon closes with a gathering called Nectar, an optional non-verbal space to allow the day to settle and integrate into our bodies. The Nectar sessions are led by various teachers who offer gentle music. People sleep, rest, or sit silently as they bathe in this peaceful time.

On many evenings we offer special optional events – parties, a creative expression night, presentations, and sittings. Our parties are always a wonderful and deeply treasured feature of our Transfiguration Retreats, and our creative expression nights are consistently stunning.

Mid-week, on Wednesday, everyone takes a day off to integrate and relax in their own ways. You might arrange an outing alone or with others. Or, you might simply choose to stay on the grounds and rest. Meals will be provided for those staying on site.

PREREQUISITES

Because Transfiguration Retreats are such powerful events, we require all participants to have previous experience with Waking Down in Mutuality, through both direct contact with teachers and also basic conceptual knowledge from reading. Prerequisites for those attending for the first time include a minimum of 5 sessions by phone with a Waking Down teacher, and/or attending at least 5 Waking Down sittings in person.

To learn more or register for this year’s Transfiguration Retreat, Click Here.

Eduardo Sierra  Interviewer

Juliet Amoroso

Eduardo: Hi Juliet, how are you?

Juliet: Hi Eduardo, I’m well.

Eduardo: Good.  I understand you recently had an awakening.  How would you describe it?

Juliet: Well, the event was a feeling of ‘I’m here.’  A sense of I’m fully here.

Eduardo: Was it a thing that slowly crept up on you, this sense, or was it something that was just dramatically, BOOM and there it was.

Juliet: I’m guessing that it was slowly creeping up for a while.  There was definitely a moment when I experienced it.

Eduardo: Was it unlike you to have ever felt that way before?

Juliet: Yes, that was definitely new for me.  It was a palpable moment and it was nice because there was an audience for it, which I like.

Eduardo: How do you mean?

Juliet: I was at the Transfiguration Retreat, and we were in a group of ten students, two teachers, and a mentor.  We were going around the room, and Ted Strauss asked me about my 2^nd birth, and I listed a number of things that demonstrated to me that I had not had not had my 2^nd birth.  The last thing I mentioned was that I didn’t want to say something that made me sound like I was further along than I am.  He said, “well that’s fine, it’s okay to say something that has you be less than you are.” That’s pretty much my MO – saying I’m not as farn along, and less than I am.  I felt busted and kind of freed and that was the moment that I felt fully here.

Eduardo: Wow.  Right in front of everybody and everything.

Juliet: Right in front of everybody, which I loved.

Eduardo: Was it apparent to folks?  Could they pretty much tell?

Juliet: I don’t know.  It was apparent to me.

Eduardo: So your sense was in the sense of feeling present?

Juliet: Yes.

Eduardo: In that moment what did that feel like?  How was that different from ever before?

Juliet: I felt connected to the earth, connected to my body, it felt like I inhabited my body for the first time.

Eduardo: Are there other differences from what’s been usual for you?

Juliet: The last couple of months I’ve been happy — which is much different than how I usually feel.  I do feel like there’s a foundation under me, that trustable universe in a big picture kind of way.

Eduardo: That must be a source of some relief?

Juliet: Yes, it’s a huge relief.

Eduardo: When you say happy, can you explain a little and I know that’s an obvious word, but in your particular case, how does that look?

Juliet: I feel like my whole life I’ve felt kind of dark and heavy.  I feel light and I also feel open to receive what’s available. Like, delightful things available.  I feel like this new boyfriend is a result of that – feeling open to receive what are actually wonderful parts of the universe – for us in the material world anyway.

Eduardo: In a way you seem to be saying that by being present, and being awake in the here & now, you’re both more grounded and more open to manifest into your life things you might wish.

Juliet: Yes.

Eduardo: That’s very cool.

Juliet: It is very cool.

Eduardo: Do you feel like at this point you’re done, or are you just beginning?

Juliet: I feel like actually both.  I don’t feel a compulsion to fix myself or to find an answer.  I feel settled into the answer and at the same time it definitely feels like a very wonderful starting place.  The world seems new and crisp and different.  It also definitely seems like a starting place for being with myself and being with all that is and being with other people.  It feels like a little bit of a fog has been lifted.

Eduardo: How do you see the effect of that fog lifting in terms of your work day, your relationships or anything like that?

Juliet: So far it seems less serious and less heavy and dark.  It’s more meaningful.

Eduardo: Has your daughter noticed anything?

Juliet: I don’t know.  I’ve talked to her on the phone a few times, she’s in Los Angeles.  I don’t know.

Eduardo: How about your close friends that you see more frequently?

Juliet: Waking Down people say they sort of notice, other people don’t know what I’m talking about, so no.

Eduardo: Speaking of Waking Down, what role do you see that it played in this transition?

Juliet: It played the whole role.

Eduardo: It played the whole role.

Juliet: Yeah, the whole role of giving me the idea of what an awakening even is, because I didn’t even know before…. and providing the container.  The Transfiguration Retreat is a very safe container.  And all the teacher and mentor conversations I’ve had, opening me up and guiding me.  It wasn’t possible without Waking Down for me.

Eduardo: I wonder it you could dig out an example of how that worked from your own personal experience.

Juliet: Especially the question that Ted asked in the Transfiguration Retreat meeting, something, just showing a light on a shadow aspect of my whole modus operandi.  His question woke up who I was my whole life and made it like, oh!  It seemed like it was not really working anymore.  I think without the safety of the Transformation Retreat container, that question would have gone unnoticed.  It wouldn’t have had the impact that it did.

Eduardo: So, several circumstances were converging there at that moment.

Juliet: Right, the transmission and the safety.  It had me more open and vulnerable, and clearer than I am ordinarily.

Eduardo: Seems like that clarity lets you look at your foggy self or shadowy self with a new perspective it seems like.

Juliet: Yes.

Eduardo: You used the word transmission, can you explain just a little of what you mean by transmission.

Juliet: My idea of transmission is a mystical, magical, palpable experience of oneness.  That comes from awakened teachers.  It’s a gift.

Eduardo: From the place you are now, what do you feel grateful about?

Juliet: Conversations with teacher and mentors.

Eduardo: What did they do for you – those conversations?

Juliet: They gave me a clear sense of myself.  They probed consciousness with me. That was something that I struggled with on my own.

Eduardo: So here you are now, perhaps the answer to this isn’t any different than before, but maybe so.  What are your passions today?  What excites you as you experience your life in this new way?.

Juliet: I think…  I’m not sure.  I think there’s way more delight being in a physical body than there was.  There’s more appreciation with my connections with people.  My connections with people feel deeper and more delightful.

Eduardo: You find that surprising or is that what you expected?

Juliet: It was all surprising.  I had no idea what to expect.

Eduardo: In relation to your work, what do you notice?

Juliet: It’s actually made me a better worker.  I’m more able to focus on what I’m doing.

Eduardo: Would you mind elaborating a little on that?

Juliet: In my work, I’m a bookkeeper.  Before I kind of had a harder time attending to one task.  I feel more able to sit still.  Also, I’ve stopped drinking alcohol, which feels really great.  That’s a big upgrade for me, physically and more mental clarity and more ease in the world.

What I had was an embodied awakening and it made me rest from seeking to find more answers.

Eduardo: Please elaborate on that.

Juliet: I feel like my whole life I’ve been a big inquirer, like, wanting to know, wanting to get to the bottom of what it means to be human.  I feel like I’m taking a rest from that.  It’s not driving me.  I’m still interested.  I feel, for now anyway, like a spectator, like an observer, but all the while being a human being watching it with a little bit more distance than I had, more distance and more closeness, more tenderness towards myself and other people.  Not so tangled up and upset about watching many of the things that we do, many of which don’t work.

Eduardo: What attracted you to Waking Down in Mutuality?

Juliet: The thing that attracted me was a friend I had, that I had done a number of these other things with over the years, who had a 2^nd birth awakening and was widely soft and vulnerable, like measurably, obviously, clearly, very different.  That attracted me.

Eduardo: It was in seeing people themselves who were going through a process of awakening that was a turn-on, then.

Juliet: Yes.  The softness and gentleness of the teachers and the approach, it seemed to have a very deep and powerful way of transforming me and others around me.  I felt like other things that I did also were transformative.  The other things that I did were invasive, so I would have to take a long time to integrate.  With Waking Down it’s all, kind of, real time, it just sort of happens.  Integration comes with the transformation because of the seeing and the gentleness.

Eduardo: This is fascinating, Juliet.

Juliet: Right.  That’s another difference for me.  I don’t feel like I’ve been given instructions to do things that I can’t do.  If I’m told to do something, no matter how great it is and I can’t do it then it really doesn’t make much of a difference. Waking Down is, in my sense, more of an invitation, and a really sweet invitation to me, where I am. It comes closer and deeper there.

Eduardo: I like how you’re languaging this.  I’m curious what you’ve seen in Waking Down that is so helpful in awakening people?

Juliet: First of all the transmission of the teachers, and also their training to listen to who you are, and where you are, and be with you there.  It’s not like I felt like I was getting away with anything, like, just to sit around and sort of wallow in some stupid place where I am, but more that where I am is honored and appreciated.  Honored and appreciated where I am and the teachers also have some gift to take me where I am to the next deeper place.

Eduardo: So it’s being held; that is, you’re being held as a student in this work with certain tenderness, and certain carefulness, and a respect to your uniqueness as an individual.  It seems like some of that’s what you’re saying.

Juliet: Exactly.

Eduardo: What do you see as your role here in the greater Waking Down community? Perhaps it’s the same, perhaps it’s something new emerging for you?

Juliet: I think it’s the same.  Actually, wait a minute – I do have an impulse to create a community in Portland where I am more than I did before.  I feel like before I actually had made efforts to make a community here and I feel like the way I was doing it was too harsh or something.  It had to be done my way, or none at all.  I feel like I have more ability to have it be more open, have it be what it wants to be and that I have more acceptance for that.  It can actually include other people instead of just me.

Eduardo: That’s really interesting to hear Juliet.  Oftentimes when I’m talking to people about awakening – especially in their own personal experience that it seems to have come as part of a package deal that includes this impulse, not only to share it, but also to share in a community where that is the common ground.  In the Buddhist terms they go Buddha, Dharma and then Sangha, which is one of the three jewels.  I noticed that there seems to be a built in impulse in awakening to share it and to join with others to celebrate it and live it.  It seems like that’s what you’re saying there with your last comment.

Juliet: Yes, I would agree.

Eduardo: Thank you very much Juliet, I really appreciate you taking the time to talk with me today and and answering these questions.

Juliet: I feel like you asked all the right questions.

Cielle Backstrom - Waking Down Teacher

As I worked with these teachers both in person and by phone for six months, Consciousness continued to drop more and more into my body, and my experiences seemed to match what Saniel described as a Second Birth Awakening, the birth of awakening to a new level of self awareness where Pure Consciousness or Witness Consciousness is body-centered. I asked for a Second Birth interview to check the progress of my deepening into this realization.

After talking for a few minutes, Sandra Glickman, the teacher that was interviewing me, asked, “Who are you?”

I thought for a moment in silence. “I am dual, both limitless and limited.”

“Tell me more,” she prodded.

To describe my unlimited nature was easy. I had been aware of it for many years. “I am unbounded, eternal, omnipresent. At the base of my existence is fundamental non-separateness, fundamental wellness, seamlessness. There is an “is-ness” or in “am-ness” that I am always identified with. It transcends, stands apart from all relative change and yet is the basis of all creation. I am that non-separate basis of all relative existence, all fields of change. I am That.”

“Tell me about your limited nature,” she commanded

That answer also seemed easy. My hands patted my thighs, “My limited nature is my body, my ego, my mind, intellect, emotions and feelings.” Something whispered inside that there was more to my limited nature. I wasn’t sure what that more was. I paused to see what would arise. My gaze was fixed on hers. I sank deep into her eyes. Words formed around a thought in a whisper. The thought was pure blasphemy, yet True. This Truth had to be spoken, and yet it seemed so unbelievable that I could only speak in a whisper.

“When speaking of my limited nature,” I paused, tears welling in my eyes, choking back the words. Then I dared to speak the Truth so new and tender, “I am also you.”

“Say that again,” she insisted.

“I am also you.”

The tears flowed now. My body shook with this recognition. The denial that had separated me from that Truth was like a thin pane of glass. I had dared to crack it.

Kali, the very thing I had feared the most in her, sprang into action. Sandra’s words became like hammers (or maybe they were skulls) to shatter that pane of glass, already weakened, “That is the Second Birth! That is the Second Birth!” She showed no mercy. I was sobbing, hyperventilating, transfixed by her gaze. She continued to wield her hammers, “Nothing else you have spoken of up until this time is the Second Birth. This Is!”

As the shards of the glass that had separated me from this reality fell around me, I exploded like a supernova. Suddenly I found my limited nature simultaneously centered in all things. I was all things. It was awesome, unbelievable, yet True. Namaste took on a new meaning. My eternal nature bows to itself as found in you (who?). I continued to shake, cry and hyperventilate. I grounded myself in her gaze.

“Yes, yes,” her voice softened, “this is who you are.”

I started to relax into this expanded state. I had often heard the expression “holding the space” for someone going through a “process.” I needed someone as big and powerful as she to hold the space I was now experiencing while I integrated this new level of Reality. After a short time, I realized that my unmanifest, limitless ground of Being could hold this new realization for and with me.

I felt the exhaustion of both having just given birth and having just been born. I realized that the Second Birth was more than just an embodied feeling-witness consciousness. It was a true and awesome knowing that I was not just the unmanifest basis of all creation, but also that I was centered in all manifest creation, all things simultaneously. Non-separateness was experienced on the level of the unmanifest, but also on the level of manifest creation.

—Cielle Backstrom (excepted from the book, Dancing in the Fire: Stories of Awakening within the Heart of Community by Bob Valine)

Terms and concepts commonly used in the Waking Down in Mutuality process.

Waking Down is done in Mutuality with the larger community, so that actual comprehension of it is only possible in that context.

It is by nature an experiential teaching and it is not something that can be understood simply by learning the terms associated with the process. We suggest that you use the definitions given below as starting points for explorations in mutuality with others in the process. We especially encourage you to ask WDM teachers about their own personal experience of what you read here. In this way they can pass on to you what is in essence their unique oral commentary, one which eludes the written word and can put flesh on the dry bones of concepts. This is at heart a teaching conveyed in relationship.

With that said here are some basic definitions:

Compiled and edited by Michael Sanborn and Krishna Gauci.

Jean Marchand - Waking Down Teacher

It was like waking up from sleep or recovering from amnesia. I could not have imagined ever getting something as abstract as what all the ancient and current philosophers describe as Enlightenment, Self Realization or Being in the Now, so easily. I was ecstatic. However, I was also afraid that I might lose this precious self-realization. It was blazing in its presence, yet delicate and tender. I did not want to ever lose it again. After a few months I became confident in the presence of I Am and lost the fear that I may lose this awareness. It, the awareness, was ever present as the observer to my every moment.

However, there was still something missing. This is where the Advaitans and I part company. They would say that there is nothing missing in this realization. I agree there is nothing missing because it includes everything. However, even in this realization of I AM the self, I still had (have) to deal with the mundane everyday problems of day-to-day life and relating to others. My buttons were and are still being pushed and I was (am) still triggered by others and events over which I have no control. I had a strong desire to withdraw and abide in the silence of the self, but who was going to look after my family and responsibilities? I still had feelings and desires that parts of me did not want to deny even though I Am Consciousness. This created a very real and uncomfortable dilemma for the human part of me. I was living in a paradox of being simultaneously infinite yet finite. It felt like something wasn’t right, and I didn’t know what it was or what to do about it. I felt frustrated and could not understand why after such a huge awakening I still had uncomfortable feelings which were difficult to ignore. I felt split.

Luckily for me, a friend whom I had led through the same advaitic process which I had learned to do, told me about Saniel Bonder and the Waking Down web site. Upon visiting the site on Feb. 23, 1999, I immediately felt that this teaching might provide the missing piece to my problem. I ordered Saniel’s book, Waking Down, and immediately entered into contact with one of Saniel’s teachers, Ted Strauss. Ted helped me to start feeling into what Saniel calls the Core Wound. This is the wound which every body on the planet carries, and I would venture to guess is the major cause of most problems that humans perpetrate on each other and the planet. Feeling into the Core Wound was very challenging, uncomfortable and frightening. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, shortly after starting to work with Ted on the phone, and I was sure I was going to die. I started hyperventilating and felt the starkness of Being here in a body. It was terrifying.

Two weeks after entering into contact with Saniel and Ted, I landed in San Francisco on March 12, 1999, to attend a Waking Down Weekend, a three-day intensive workshop. Just being with Saniel and the other teachers on Friday evening was very potent, but little did I know how potent. The next day as I gazed with Pascal, one of the teachers, I fell into a place that brought up an abundance of tears and sorrow. I didn’t know what was going on, but I could sure feel my existential pain.

That afternoon when we broke up into small groups we each took turns feeling into what was going on inside and sharing with the group. As I felt into my pain, it was as if a dam of sorrow broke wide open and engulfed my entire being. Ted asked me, “Do you want to be here?” As I felt into the question, in the midst of overwhelming sorrow I realized that part of me did not want to be here in a human body because it was just too painful and limiting. Ted asked me again, “Do you want to be here?” I again felt into the question and this time I surrendered into the excruciating pain of being here in a body. I fell into the Core Wound. It was unbelievable. There I was, infinite, feeling trapped in a limited, finite body. I felt as if Iwas being crucified. I have never, ever felt such an intense and devastating pain. Yet the bizarre paradox was that interspersed throughout the pain was a bittersweet Joy, the Bliss of Consciousness. My heart was blown wide open. The Love I felt for the others in the room was unlimited. I looked into each of their eyes and felt their pain. I felt their pain of being here in a body. As I looked at them waves of sobbing overcame me. Their pain was my pain. There was no feeling of separation. I stayed in that tender vulnerable place in the heart for the rest of the weekend and several days after. As a matter of fact, I have never left that place of vulnerability in the heart. I am just more selective about who I am vulnerable with. Now I am more discriminative about being wide open in Love with everyone.

Two days later on March 17, I awoke in the middle of the night to realize that Being had landed here in my body. The feeling of being separate from my body and the world was gone. I now had permission to show up here on this planet as Being in a body, not separate from the body. What a relief. I had entered what Saniel calls my Second Birth. It was okay to be here. It was okay to feel the wound of being here now in all of its limitations. The Core Wound had become the Conscious Wound. What a “Great Relief,” as Saniel calls it. I no longer want to escape to a cave in the Himalayas. Occasionally withdrawing into the silence of Being suffices. I am deeply grateful for the profound silence which always resides in my heart, my body and my mind. Life is more relaxed and enjoyable now than it’s ever been. The moments of being vulnerable and feeling my own pain and another’s pain are there more than ever, but I’m not trying to avoid it. Now my mission is to help my fellow humans to awaken to who they truly are, like I did, thus answering Excerpts from the Second Birth the question once and for all, “Qui es tu (Who are you)?” And by the way I did get the concept. “God is Everywhere.”

~ Jean Marchand (excepted from the book, Dancing in the Fire: Stories of Awakening within the Heart of Community by Bob Valine)

June Konopka - Waking Down Teacher

Throughout my life I’ve had a recurring dream of driving a car downhill with brakes that barely work. I mean I have to press really hard on the foot petal and use all my physical strength, focus and will power to keep from losing control. Somehow I always manage to avert the unknown terrifying event that would surely take place if I didn’t do all this efforting. I am always alone in this dream. After waking up I would feel drained and uncomfortable the next day.

Less frequent, but also recurring, is a dream of floating down a peaceful river. Here, I am quite blissful, enjoying the scenery and the bodily sensations of the moving water. I let the water carry me, doing nothing, trusting the water completely. I liked this dream and felt good the next day, wishing life could always be like that. I tended to dismiss that occasional vague anxiousness in the dream that crept in when I sensed the ocean downstream, and wondered what might happen when the river eventually opened into the ocean and the water became deep and powerful, without shores. These two dreams alternated in my psyche throughout the first 50 years of my life.

Dreamtime was a lot more out of control and less frequently blissful about the time I met Saniel (Bonder) and Linda (Groves-Bonder) and was introduced to the Waking Down in Mutuality work. Two and a half years later, I awoke to myself as the unbounded spaciousness that penetrates and interconnects All That Is. I also knew ever so subtly that this penetration included this human life I was living. I wasn’t sure what that meant completely at the time, but knew my deeper psyche had resisted it as long as it possibly could.

Another dream merging the two previous ones tells about this resistance. I am driving my car to a very important event, but I get lost. I don’t know which road to take so I pick up a passenger that is going to the same event and who says he knows the way. As you may have imagined, soon we are going down a hill and the brakes start to go out. This is an old theme, but for the first time I can actually see what awaits me at the bottom of the hill. It is a river that has flooded up over the road and has become a raging swift current. This feels like certain death and I try with all my humanly power to make those brakes work and turn that car around. The passenger in the backseat, however, is unconcerned and encourages me to keep going, letting me know this is the way to get to where I want to go and that we will be fine. He also calls me by a new name, which I recognize as the name of my deep Soul essence. This is startling and distracts me for a moment, but I return to the struggle of avoiding the river and soon wake up.

My life was just like this dream right before my awakening. I was presented with many out-of-my-control circumstances. I started getting the intuition that I didn’t have enough attention and energy to power the brakes enough to stay in control. In fact, it was even hopeless to try anymore. There was no way to fix this situation. And, as in the dream, others were with me assuring my more wounded vulnerable parts that I would be safe and find the risk well worth the ride. These same others were calling me forth and reflecting divine aspects of myself back to me. Much of my attention went to exploring these new parts of myself, and less effort went into fearing and avoiding the river of the awakened embodying life. Pretty soon, unlike in the dream, I slipped into the river, realizing it after the fact.

By awakening in the river of embodied life, any resistance to the penetration of All That Is into my life is futile. I have given up the primary struggle to stay in control. I have now been in the sometimes raging/sometimes blissful river for almost three years and wouldn’t want it any other way. To maneuver here I absolutely need several things. I need the deep knowingness of who I am as an unbounded spacious awareness. This awareness surrounds me and catches me like a net when I go deep under the water too long.

I need my unique humanly form, power and will, accepted by me and grounded in the stillness of its own Being. My imperfect human form is the one that makes this journey down the river and into the arms of the great unknown ocean of the Beloved. It is precious. Without it there is no journey.

I need the holding, encouragement, and skills of others who are traversing these same waters. They help me when I feel the trip is too turbulent, or I don’t see a boulder in myself that I’m about to crash against.

I need my divine Soul, which I intuit through my heart. It keeps calling me home to the Beloved Ocean, while simultaneously showing me what currents of activity are mine to express along the way. Without my expressions and activities, how else can I become all that I am before the arrival home? My unique self is unfolding as I travel down the river. This particular union has never happened before, and somehow it’s important to be all that I am meant to be by the time it completes!

I see a few people on the shore. If you are there, I hope to enjoy your company soon on this sacred trip.

~ June Konopka (excepted from the book, Dancing in the Fire: Stories of Awakening within the Heart of Community by Bob Valine)

Krishna Gauci - Waking Down Senior Teacher

PAPAJI

After hearing the teachings of HWL Poonja (also known as Papaji) in 1992, I spent five years traveling back and forth to India to be with him. The kindness and personal attention that he extended to me was beyond intimate. This amazing being effortlessly blessed me in a way that is still with me. I carry him in my heart even now. One could say that he IS my heart. Through his grace I realized my nature as unchanging awareness and discovered the source of peace within. I came to know myself not as a body or a personality but as pure Consciousness. My living relationship with him gave my life profound meaning. Out of great love and respect, I happily visited him as often as possible, drinking in his powerful presence while receiving his darshan. Papaji gave freely of himself and he delivered the goods as promised, and for this I will always be thankful.

And yet after his passing it began to dawn on me that without his physical presence, the written teachings and techniques left me feeling empty of meaning. It wasn’t that they were not effective–they certainly put me in the formless reality. But I began to wonder about the rest of me. What about living my daily life? Was there a purpose to my existence in form? Incorporating Eastern culture into my world was helpful, but I didn’t have a sense of how to live my truth. What I received from Papaji was my Self as Consciousness Itself. Other than that, I was more or less on my own. It was clear to me that while ancient Dharma could put me in touch with my Buddha-nature, it didn’t necessarily help me (a 21st Century Westerner), to get a grasp of how to live an authentic life in modern America. It wasn’t designed to do that.

SANIEL

So how to live an Awakened Life? After realizing my nature as freedom from definitions and limits, I was not about to follow rules or ideals that came from the conditioned minds of other people. I wanted to be plugged into my own unique, individual life’s guidance.

When I first began to check into the teachings of Waking Down in Mutuality, I was intrigued, but to be perfectly honest, upon my first meeting with Saniel Bonder I was not impressed. I had read his book, and while I did not disagree with much of what he taught, it did not seem to be anything that I had not heard before. I found one aspect of what he was saying particularly annoying: Saniel seemed to be implying that most if not all forms of teaching in the more ancient schools led to a realization that was not altogether “embodied.” In fact his claim to having a unique teaching seemed rather grandiose to me.

So upon attending one of his sittings in 1998 (there were about six people present), I mentioned to him that I felt there were many Indian spiritual schools (like the schools of Tantra) that taught embodied awakening exactly as he did, and it was simply that there were cultural factors and language that made for the appearance of difference. He answered me, explaining that while it was true that culture played a part, it didn’t account for all the differences in the embodied realization that he and his friends were living. I was not satisfied with his reply.

It’s pretty likely that would have been our last meeting, except for one thing: after the sitting he invited me to lunch with his students. He asked me to sit next to him and we had a very friendly, rather down to earth meal together in which he was totally available to me, not simply as a “teacher,” but as a fellow traveler and human being. In the conversations we had it was plain he was actually interested in my life and background and listened to my story attentively. I found him to be sincere and very interesting.

MY FIRST WAKING DOWN WEEKEND (1998)

Within months I found myself (in spite of my doubts) attending one of the Waking Down Weekend intensives. Two things happened there that opened me up to the possibilities in this teaching that I hadn’t glimpsed before.

To begin with this was not like any weekend I’d done. From my previous spiritual background, I was used to satsangs, retreats and intensives where there was one teacher and usually anywhere from 30 to 80 participants. In fact in some gatherings there could even be as many as 500 in attendance. At the Waking Down Weekend there were six or seven participants and four teachers including Saniel. Also, the teachers with him were not his assistants, but full teachers in their own right. Saniel taught the beginning session on Friday and the last session on Sunday, and the other teachers taught the rest of the time.

At the Saturday morning session there were three teachers in the room: Ted Strauss and Hillary Davis (a married couple) and a third woman teacher. They invited any questions or comments. It was difficult, but I felt that I had to be totally candid, so I said something like, “I’m here as open-minded as possible, but I have to be honest with you that there are some things that I don’t agree with here. In particular, Saniel seems to imply that this form of realization has not happened until now and that this is something unique in the sacred traditions. I feel that this form of Awakening (as I read it in Saniel’s books) has most likely already happened plenty of times in other schools in India and Asia and perhaps in other places we don’t know of.” I waited for the reply. I was thanked by the teachers for being so honest and taking the risk to speak my truth. I was then told that I was doing everyone present a service by speaking into the room feelings that others may have, but didn’t feel safe enough to say themselves.

Then Ted said, “I understand your point and I can see why you’d feel that way, but I agree with Saniel and I don’t think that this particular form of realization has appeared anywhere else that I know of.” This was pretty much what I expected to hear, though I was impressed that he was so gracious. What his wife Hillary said next however was quite a surprise, “Actually, I agree with you, Krishna. I don’t agree with Ted and Saniel on this one.” She didn’t seem to be joking. I was amazed. Then what the third teacher said put a smile on my lips, “Saniel teaches that?”

Here I was with three different teachers with their own very different comments on what I said. The strangest thing was that there was no interest in “getting it straight” or having the right answer and it all felt just fine. No one had a problem with any of it. There was room for disagreement. “Wow, “ I thought, “This IS different!”

The second thing that caught my attention was seeing Hillary Davis work with one of the participants. Hillary, like me, has a background in Advaita Vedanta with Papaji. One of the central understandings of many in that school is that attachment to a person’s personal story (how they see themselves, how they think of themselves and their past) is an obstacle to clear seeing and should not be taken too seriously. What I saw as Hillary listened to one person’s story of suffering was subtle and difficult to convey: I could clearly see and feel that Hillary was seeing this person as Consciousness itself, free of all limiting definitions of mind, and at the same time Hillary was taking the person’s story 100% seriously and seemed to be believing everything this person conveyed about their life experience. It was obvious that the person was being deeply seen as a person complete with limitations, but not held to them, because they were also seen as being free of them.

The actual seeing of this is really inexplicable, but when I saw it I immediately was reminded of a story about The Buddha. Someone asked him about the most important part of his Dharma: “Is it Emptiness? Is it no-self? Is it impermanence?” “No,” he answered,” It is compassion. And anywhere that you find a teaching on compassion, go there.” As I watched Hillary and other exchanges that weekend, I thought, “This is compassion. I need to learn this.”

by Krishna Chris Gauci (excepted from the book, Dancing in the Fire: Stories of Awakening within the Heart of Community by Bob Valine)

Shanti Spierenburg

Of course something happened that triggered my final breakdown. As part of the Waking Down Weekend everybody got to choose three teachers that they wanted to work with. One of those would then be leading your small personal group. I didn’t get any of the teachers I had written down. I was a little disappointed, but being a “good student” I didn’t complain.

The next day after the morning meditation someone said that everybody got at least one of the choices on their list. I felt very shook up and told CC (Leigh) that I didn’t get anybody on my list. She then said, “But, Shanti, the other teachers really wanted you in their group!” That word “wanted” just broke me down totally. I had never felt wanted. I never felt wanted, ever. I sank into the feeling that I shouldn’t be alive. I had no right to live. I was a big mistake. I cried for hours. I couldn’t stop. I had tried so hard all my life to be a good girl, a good disciple, to gain the right to be alive. I was exhausted.

In my small group with Ben Hursh and Tony Konopka I went even deeper into that feeling while totally being held by everybody in the group. I then ended up being reborn symbolically and welcomed with love and excitement. By the end of the day I felt totally empty. Nothing to say, nothing to do, just be there. I guess I had landed in my version of what Saniel calls “the Core Wound.” For me it’s the pain of not being accepted or wanted in this world and the sense of being very unimportant and disposable—unseen.

The next morning we did this really long gazing meditation. Afterwards I closed my eyes. At a certain point I started to expand and expand. Everything and everybody became me and was in me. The sounds of the airplane. People coughing, crying. The sounds of birds. It was all me. There was no division . No separateness. I sensed this fluid Beingness that was me and everything else. One Being.

After I opened my eyes things looked different, brighter. As if a veil had lifted. I had this kind of expansiveness before in Hawaii where I became the clouds and the thunder while sitting on the beach, but it didn’t last more than a week and never had this physical component to it.

The next few months I was in this state that I only had heard about: my mind quiet, an incredibly deep relaxation and feeling of sensuality in the body. Everything was so bright and direct, and I was feeling very raw because of it. Also, there was bliss and peace, the perfection of everything. I felt that the birds flying over, the trees I walked under, everything was a part of my body. The frantic urge to seek was gone. Just being here was it. There was a pressure on top of my head as if a valve had opened up. And sometimes the psychedelic experience of sitting and hearing others talk and experiencing that I was everyone talking. Also, I so wished I could just be in nature. I would have loved to be able to go to Hawaii and sit at Excerpts from the Second Birth the beach. Sitting there, nothing else. Instead I had to go to work, and on my days off I had a two-year-old. Anyway, it was a great honeymoon. I was lucky it lasted so long.

Saniel (Bonder) does talk in his book about the Wakedown Shakedown, the process where you start to integrate the shadows, the dissociated parts of yourself that you split off because they are too painful to handle. The first year after my Second Birth was a big change. Initially I would feel very raw. Many times, very painfully, I was extremely sensitive to people’s emotions, their reactions or non-reactions. The world seemed so much brighter and more intense. My buffer was gone. For the first time I felt here, very sensually in my body in a new way. I was actually in my body… and enjoying it immensely. Soooo sensual. I felt authentic, real. But by all means not perfect.

I had a period where synchronicity was happening. It was like living in never-ending magic. Objects would appear that I really wanted, like a Buzz Lightyear from Toy Story for my son when it wasn’t made anymore. On the other hand, I would get triggered by a seemingly harmless event that would throw me deep into my inner dungeon. Very dark, very hopeless, definitely an inner hell that would sometimes last for a few weeks. Then suddenly I would wake up in the morning and it was gone. Afterward, I would feel more integrated and here and connected. One time I had a symbolic past-life dream that left me waking up in total horror. It was all about being abused , raped, victimized, killed as a woman. It stayed with me for a long time. Also, I went through a period where I would ooze negativity, powerlessness, jealousy and resentment. I felt it coming out of my pores and in my breath. It lasted for months until, for now, it is gone.

Since my last episode of Wakedown Shakedown I feel again a deepening sense that I am being held at all times. I had some very deep plunges in my first two years of Wakedown Shakedown, and I know I am not done. What is strengthening me is the feeling of being truly seated in Me. My gut has opened up, and I feel an inner power that is coming in, that wants to manifest itself. I am struggling to find a way to express this new life in a different way, like finding a different work where I can express more of the new me.

~ Shanti Spierenburg (excepted from the book, Dancing in the Fire: Stories of Awakening within the Heart of Community by Bob Valine)